It’s been a long time since I’ve updated this blog. There are a few reasons for this. This blog started as a place for me to record my fitness and weight loss efforts, it also followed part of my infertility and IVF journey.
Then I got pregnant. Naturally.
And suddenly I felt like I had nothing of relevance to say. I was so anxious and scared during the first pregnancy that I found myself withdrawing from sharing anything. Then after my daughter was born I made a couple of efforts to get back into fitness and lose the weight I’d gained but just as I was getting somewhere I fell pregnant again, nine months postpartum. It was at this point that I accepted that I wasn’t going to update this blog anymore, and made it private.
I then continued writing the book that I had been writing (mostly in my head) for years. I had a few thousand scattered words in a Word document but nothing of any structure. Using the impending second birth as a deadline I wrote and wrote in any spare time I had. When my daughter napped, I wrote. When my husband was home, I wrote. And I did it. I wrote the book. It was published. And then I had my son the same month.
Since then I’ve been simply adjusting to life as a mum of two (with an 18 month age gap). I’m exhausted, but not a day goes by that I don’t realise how lucky I am to have them — they are my little miracles. It amazes me to think that I was preparing myself to live a childless life and then it all completely changed. Life is funny like that.
So that brings me back to the purpose of this blog. I have weight to lose, I have fitness to improve, but I’m not currently being successful at either thing. I’m seven months postpartum right now. I’m hoping that one day soon it’ll just click and I’ll find the focus to get ‘back on track’ with my eating and working out. Fit in the workouts somehow.
Aside from struggling to stick to the theme of this blog since having children, there’s another reason that I’ve been quiet. I’ve struggled with my mental health. It utterly shocked me to experience post natal depression after going through seven years of infertility and finally having children, but nevertheless, it happened. After having my daughter I was genuinely afraid to talk about how I was feeling. It took me a long time to seek help from a doctor. Second time round I felt somehow more prepared for how it might feel, but that didn’t mean I didn’t have difficult periods. There was a lot of family drama outside of my little bubble of me, my husband and my children, and little things became catastrophic to me. A judgemental and unnecessary comment on a photo of mine on Instagram from a relative’s friend upset me way more than it should have. That, combined with the other drama and my anxiety, set in motion a dark period where I deleted all my public social media, detached myself from the book I’d written, and tried to hide myself away. The drama and the comment occurred in the first couple of post partum months where everything’s a delicate balance, physically and mentally. And during that difficult post partum time all that drama took a toll on me. I’m still trying to build myself back up and regain some confidence.
That’s the thing, post natal depression felt like another failure to me. I know that’s a
ridiculous statement, but after a feeling like a failure for such a long time after the years of infertility it was just another failure to add to my incredibly long, anxiety fuelled list. I’m working on detangling myself from those issues. When I was writing and going through the publishing process with my book I kept it all a secret because I didn’t want to deal with potentially negative comments from people and because I was worried it would somehow all fail before it was even published. I told everyone on the same day that it was being released. Some people were so encouraging and others just didn’t care. It was such an immensely personal story to share, some days I still wish I could just hit unpublish somewhere and run away with it and hide. But it’s out there and I’ve had messages from people going through what I went through and that makes it worthwhile. It really does.
I think I would like to start updating this blog again. Slowly try and open up again after shutting myself off.